I watched the film Devil. I thought it was just a normal horror movie. It’s more than that. It’s also about forgiving others for their wrongs against us.
Recently I happened to come across the forgiveness issue from various places. I read about it, post and even discuss it on Facebook. I heard about it from friends. Some seminar speaker told me about it. Someone even sent me email about it! Is it a hint to me I should be forgive anyone?
Back to forgiveness, I think we really need to forgive others who have done something wrong to us. If we don’t forgive, we harbor the hatred in us. It will not only strain our relationship, but also become a kind of bitterness in us that can curse us in our life and relationships.
But if we could choose to forgive, we will release our self from the hatred and bitterness. Then we are able to enjoy relationships with people and live our life to the max.
Unfortunately, people who do not enjoy true, loving relationships with people are most probably the ones who are in the bondage of unforgiveness.
A customer told me on Facebook it’s very difficult to forgive people in some cases. Absolutely right. Indeed, may I venture to say that by our own strength we will never be able to forgive those who wronged us?
But when we have experienced for our self that someone has forgiven us for our wrong to him or her in the past, it will not be that difficult to pass on the forgiveness to others.
Think about the kids. If they never learn to own a toy, they may not learn to share it with other kids. But if they have learned to own and enjoy a toy, they will learn to share the joy with others.
About one year ago, a friend lent me some lecture notes but unfortunately I misplaced it. However, she didn’t blame me. She forgave me.
But in recent months, I lent some lecture notes to another friend but somehow he also lost it. I felt angry. But if my previous friend could forgive me for my mistake, why can’t I forgive this friend for his mistake?
By the way, we also often hear people say they will “forgive, but not forget”. But I wonder when some of them say this, they are saying it with bitterness in heart. Are they truly forgiving others or not?
I’m thinking that the key is to forgive. Forget or not? It does not really matter. What do you think about this?
great …… forgive someone to get forgivenest
Forgiveness is a tall order.
“Indeed, may I venture to say that by our own strength we will never be able to forgive those who wronged us?”
You are absolutely right.
Small wrongs are easy to forgive and forget, but bigger wrongs?
All of us are tired of hearing the same old thing. We are told it is important and necessary to forgive. And we believe it. It is correct. So we try, and try really hard, but somehow, still cannot do it. Maybe deep down, we don’t want to. It’s that thing inside us, crying out for justice. It’s not fair, we scream. How can I forgive such a bad thing? And if I forgive that person, am I saying that it is right for he/she to do that to me? Am I saying it is okay for you to hit me or punch me? No, it’s not okay at all for you to do such things to me! No, I shall not forgive you.
Or maybe we manage to muster a meagre amount of forgiveness, whilst uttering under our breath, “but I will not forget”.
It’s a grey issue. Yes, we decide to forgive, then decide that it’s not practical to forget, lest the same thing happen again. After all, if we forgive the person, but the person does the same thing again? Stupid me! Why did I forget?
So what’s the answer?
In Wikipedia, the definition of forgiveness:
“Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”
Concluding resentment. Putting an end to resentment, an end to the whole story of abuse (physical or verbal). Whose resentment? Why, our own, of course. To say to ourselves, right, that old story is over and done with, it’s ended, it’s not going to continue (in my head/mind), it’s not going to occupy my time, it’s finished, it’s in the past, I am not going to relive it daily. To continue to seethe or to demand reparation/restitution/justice for the perceived wrongs is a never-ending wait. You may or may not see it happen. That’s why it includes “ceasing to demand restitution”. Basically you’ll just be wasting your life waiting for it, thinking you’re going to get it. So, the keywords, conclude, and cease.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt’.
To grant free pardon. Yes, give it freely. Don’t ask for payment back. In the same way as you freely donate to charity without asking for payment back, give pardon freely. You have it in your heart to be that generous, yes. Be bigger than your problem, be bigger than the wrongs/offences done to you. Generosity is very liberating, just try it.
To give up all claim for an offense. So we think when someone has done us wrong, they owe us? Or we are entitled to some kind of claim from them? Who said so? When someone has done us wrong, we IMAGINE that they then owe us something. We IMAGINE that we now have some kind of claim we have a right to ask from them. Right? What right? When someone does something bad to you, that’s it, it’s done, finito. Where did that payment thing come from? What is done, is done, stop trying to claim.
So, instead of telling yourself to “forgive”, just do as the dictionary says, “conclude the resentment”, “cease to demand restitution”, “be generous with free pardon”, and “don’t imagine to claim for offenses”. And lo and behold, you have made the first steps to forgiveness and for yourself, liberation. And now, you can move on with your life.